This blog is dedicated to me walking myself through an area of my life that I know needs a great amount of improvement.
I was listening to a Leadership Coaching video by Mark Driscoll, and he was discussing 4 different stages of ministry. I will discuss these in relation to church ministry first, but then make application to marriage. Please note that these stages are not all necessary.
1. Creative/Vision stage
In this stage, one sees a need, developes a goal, and attempts to make a way provide for that need through formulating methods, processes, and strategies. This stage is foundational to any growth to be had for a ministry.
2. Management stage
In this stage, the need has been recognized, the goal developed, and the means of provision have been established. Now it's time to make it happen in real life. Theory has become reality. All of those preconceived methods now have to be managed.
3. Defensive Stage
In this stage, something has gone wrong in the vision and/or management stages. But instead of managing through the mishap you decide to focus on blame. Generally you direct your focus onto someone other than yourself. This redirection (often referred to as "blame-shifting") is done by most, if now all An increasing sense of animosity arises and people become discouraged. Carrying out the original plan is now about doing a good job and avoiding mistakes rather than providing for the need. Focus has turned from an outward expression of grace to an inward preservation of self-worth. This stage is certainly not necessary.
4. Death Stage
In this stage, the vision has been abandoned. No further vision is being promoted. There is no goal in the mind of the leader or the people. There is no passion for or focus on fulfilling any real need. Perhaps previous animosity has been unrepentedly set aside in hopes it will be forgotten. Everything seems to be OK, but there is no movement. There is little life that would serve as a monument of grace. This stage is also not necessary.
Though Driscoll meant for these stages to refer to a pastor managing his church, I also apply it to marriage, specifically from the point of view of the husband. See below:
1. Creative/Vision Stage
In this stage, the husband sees the need for a need in his family. Instead of letting life take its course, he acts proactively and begins to think of ways that he can lead his family in order to fulfill this need. He takes initiative to promote spiritual, physical, financial, relational, and social health in his home. He seeks for ways to make the Gospel beautiful to his family. He plans out family devotions and initiates personal conversations with his wife and kids. He reads books on personal finance and seeks wisdom from those who have wisdom in this area. He deliberately studies and romances his wife (and plans for it ahead of time!). He makes it a habit to observe his home in order to prevent disasters and to fix things ASAP before the wife is burdened with the need to write an extensive honey-do list.
2. Management Stage
Some men are extremely good at analyzing their personal context, envisioning necessary changes and goals, and putting plans and theories down on paper. But those like me (not saying I am amazing at the above) are terrible at initiating processes and carrying them through to the end. I'd rather pass the buck at this stage. If you're like me, it's because you are afraid of making an even bigger mess. You're afraid of failure. But the lack of initiation and family management on the part of the husband causes even bigger messes in the long run. And these messes are often messes that result in misery, loneliness, unfaithfulness, and divorce. But when divorce happens, people blame the wife because she is the apparent problem because she's the one divorcing her husband. While this may be true, the husband is ultimately responsible because he wasn't a real man for her. He may have been smart and charming at first, but he had no idea how to be a well-rounded, responsible manager in real life. And those of you who are married know that women are far better at recognizing reality than men are! So it should be our continual pursuit to deal with things that are a part of real life now. Not the theoretical, sportscenter, video-gamer, news paper, internet, reality show life that we often grow content and stagnant in. Wake up. That is not "living for the future." That is living for yourself and doing only those things that you are comfortable with and reap enjoyment from with low risk of failure. Take a risk. Do some things wrong. But get involved in the real life that everyone seems to be living in except you. Wake up to the real, though perhaps accepted, burden that your wife is baring. Take it from her and lead your household. Take the finances from her. Stink at it? Me too. But learn it. It's not unreasonable to take time to study things outside of the Bible. Especially when it helps you be a Biblical man.
3. Defensive Stage
All too often couples are miserable because, when something goes wrong or someone gets hurt, noone is willing to repent. Noone is willing to take blame. The husband wants to be respected. How can I have her respect me if I am asking for her forgiveness? Then I am vulnerable. We all know vulnerable people don't ever get respect! We all know she's supposed to be the vulnerable one. So she should be the one just accepting it and getting over it. While this makes sense with the eyes of flesh, when one muses on reality he discovers he's a conceited jerk. Repent to God and your wife. It takes a real man to repent to his wife. It takes a real man to recognize how vulnerable all men are, especially since we're usually the thoughtless ones who hurt our wives. Claim it! Is your wife the more dominant and active figure in the family and therefore more susceptible to failure? That's your fault. You're the head of the family. Often when she fails, it's probably your fault because she should have never been in that situation to begin with. So stop blaming her. Claim it and treat her like the woman she is. Repent to her when it's your fault. Repent to her when she fails at something that should have been your responsibility to begin with, and then take responsibility in the future.
4. Death Stage
In this stage, your family does not enjoy each other. Nobody really sees anyone else as significant - especially not as significant as themselves. No one serves each other except in order to "keep the peace." The husband spends most of his time disconnected from his wife and kids. They may live in the same house, but they aren't really living together. They certainly find more fulfillment and acceptance with those outside their home. Their "real life" happens mostly without the other person. When they are asked to think of something positive, if they can muster a thought, their first 5 answers are things that are completely unrelated to their spouse. Neither spouse pursues the other. The question "How was your day?" is nothing but routine. You don't really care. If a number of these illustrations are true, chances are you are living in the death stage. If these were blown up and applied to a church body, that church would be as warm and exciting to attend as a funeral. How ironic. There is not much to look forward to here. And nothing will get better until you, husband, shape up your act. Nothing will get better until you personally renew your vows with God and then with your wife, and then become the responsible Christian and family man you were created to be. Until you get right with God, you will never be able to affectively return to stage 1 and 2. Who cares if you go to church as a family, or are even in the ministry! You're apparently not a very good church member/person. If you can't nail it with your family, you'll never nail it at church. And nailing it with your family is not all about nailing it at church! Get over yourself and your dreams and your vision of who you want to be. Be a husband. Be a dad. Be a person consumed by grace. let God handle the rest.